purple-the-cactus

I hate this month. I wish it was over. Quite frankly, I wish that summer was over already. Because my lack of a social life is really, REALLY starting to get to me. All my friends are out doing stuff: co-op, interns, going abroad, teaching etc. Technically I'm doing stuff too, but telling people that I take the bus downtown twice a week to get to summer school is hardly anything to brag about when everyone around you is going to EXCITING places and doing EXCITING things outside of the city. I don't want to bother people who have better things to do than talk to me. And I'm worried if I do try to make conversation with someone on Skype, one of the first things they'll ask me is: "So what have you been up to?" To which I'll sit there mortified for a minute, trying to think of an answer that doesn't sound like: "Nothing, just sitting in front of my computer all day and waiting for someone to talk to me because I'm a loser who has no life outside my house. Just like when I was fucking sixteen."

I admit, part of the reason why I feel this way right now is because everyone is graduating this month, and I'm not. In fact, my registrar has just told me that I won't be able to graduate until June 2015, even though I finish all my degree requirements this fall. So yeah, it hurts to see photos on facebook of my friends standing around in gowns with their friends and family, knowing that I won't be getting any pictures with my friends next year. I probably won't get many 'likes' on any photos I post on facebook next year either, because everyone will be working fancy jobs at that point and won't have time for social media anymore. As of a week ago I actually stopped going on facebook, just so I wouldn't have to look at people's updates about how successful their lives are turning out to be in post-grad. Even getting a notification that one of my friends was going to Cuba was enough to make me feel like shit again. I should be happy for everyone, but I just feel miserable. I feel like I'm nowhere close to where they are, and I should be. 

I just hate myself for doing nothing and don't know how to escape it. I hate my life, but I can't change it because everything I want to do is too unreachable; my GPA isn't good enough for anything, and I'm pretty sure I don't have the right "cheery" personality to pass any sort of interview, whether it be for a job or an exchange trip. I keep telling my parents I want to see a doctor, just so I can take happy pills and make my family stop chiding me for being grumpy all the time, and they don't believe me, saying medication won't help whatever problem I have. That just makes me feel even more upset, like I'm alone feeling this way and I'm supposed to fix it myself, even though I can't.

I just hate this. I hate myself. I hate crying when nobody's looking, knowing nobody cares.

*End of rant*

I'm not sure if many of you know this, but since I joined dA in 2008, I've always set my homepage to view 'new' deviations rather than the 'popular stuff,' because I sympathize with amateur artists, and like showing my support to people who generally don't get a lot of hits on their work. But because a lot of things about dA have changed in the past 5 years, and because the 'new' section now consists of a lot of really bad instagram pictures done by 14 year olds, or base paintings for anime couples I don't know nor care about, I've finally decided to change my homepage and check out popular stuff instead.

And holy crap! There is some amazing stuff here. Poems, and GOOD artwork and photographs. I've been complaining about having a lack of inspiration lately, and now I've discovered a place where I can find it all again. Why didn't I think about doing this earlier? I am impressed, dA. 

In other news, 1 more week of school. I have 2 tests and I am stressed out for both of them - even though one of them is just an in class essay, and the other one is for a credit/no credit class, so basically I just have to do well enough to pass, and whatever shitty mark I get won't be calculated into my GPA. I think I'm really just down on myself because I either failed or close to failed French grammar test today (even though it was only worth 10%), and I was really liking the average I had before I took the test, so I'll have to work harder next semester to bring up again. I hate thinking about marks and GPAs, it just makes me feel stressed out all the time.  

There are some days when I wish I could just bypass through everything I need to be an adult: Getting a job, learning how to cook, a good job, a driver's license, a relationship. Because let's face it, those things take work. And after almost twenty-one years of living, I've lost all motivation to work for any of those things. Why? Because they involve getting hurt, making mistakes, going to bed at the end of the day and feeling like you're a damn idiot who's an embarrassment to society and should disappear from the world entirely because everyone hates you because you're not perfect. Just a useless, moving bag of flesh with no real talents or aspirations. At this point I'm just trying to find a way to survive, really. 

Maybe I've just fallen into an unmotivated spiral, I don't know. I've never been good at being tenacious, I know. Even when I was a kid, I would always be begging my parents to let me quit my swimming lessons because I was the only one in the class who didn't know how to swim a certain stroke. If I knew I was going to fail the class, why bother showing up to get my report card? I was the only one in my lessons who seemed to be making mistakes and it made me feel isolated from other people my age, and I still feel that way about myself to this day. In middle school I always felt I was ugly because I didn't wear makeup and dress the same way the popular kids in my school did. In high school things got worse because I had glasses and horrible acne, and my mother never let me get bangs so I couldn't even cover my forehead to hide where most of the blemishes were. Even now, I try to avoid going out in public because I feel ugly and awkward all the time. Sometimes I choose not to eat a lot of food for dinner just because I don't like cutting up so much meat, and I get a small dose of satisfaction in thinking that I'm keeping myself skinny by not eating as much as everyone else in my family. Does that mean I should be seeing a therapist because I have some kind of eating disorder? I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I could just never grow up. Just become a phantom who spends the rest of my life writing stories about other people, because let's face it, it's much easier to write about other people's lives than think about what you need to work on in your own. I just can't handle making mistakes well, especially when learning something most people my age are already good at. It's like a dream I used to have when I was younger that I could be magically good at everything without practicing. Maybe I just like my imaginary world better than my real world, I don't know.

Fun fact: The last time I was on Neopets was in 2005. 

This has been a I-just-slacked-off-my-fanfiction-updating-to-complain-about-how-my-life-sucks deviantArt entry.   

So apparently when you upload artwork to dA now you don't have to separate your tags with commas anymore, just type in the keywords. And here I was wondering why I wasn't getting any hits on my fandom related stuff, now I'll have to go and fix up all my fanfiction submissions so they actually show up on dA's search engines.

I hope everyone is enjoying their time off school. I'm in my second week of summer school right and already have a midterm test and a proposal due next week, it kinda sucks. But on the plus side, not being in 5 courses means I have more time to slack off and write now.

Someone on YouTube has decided to continue my Harry Potter parody series I made four years ago. I'm feeling a bit iffy about that - but he did acknowledge he got his inspiration from me so I let it go. In any case I'm not sure if I can continue that series since I don't exactly have money to get proper software to encode video game footage from the PS2 on to the computer without the quality suffering. That, and my gaming tastes have changed a lot since then. I'd probably have to relearn how to play the games all over again which would feel more like a chore at this point. The guy who's continuing the series also thinks I'm a guy - I'm very amused.

Sorry if this didn't make much sense, I'm rambling. Over and out!

<sub>Writing this entry on my iPad for a change ooh.

Not many intelligent things to say about my life so far. I have trouble sleeping it seems...as of now I've been up since 2 am because of this weird itching sensation in my throat/nasal congestion and now I'm extremely hungry but don't want to leave my nice warm bed and make some cereal.

This week I am watching am watching an opera for a class and writing an essay. The week after that I have 2 midterms, including one for chemistry (I know what you're thinkng, chemistry?). Two weeks after I have another midterm and a concert review to write.

I feel mostly apathetic about life. I look at the first years in my dining hall and feel like a veteran and wish I could be 2 years younger again. Most days I eat alone because none of my friends live on campus anymore. I look at people I pass by on my way to classes and become slightly philosophical, knowing I will never see them again. My hair looks stupid and pear-shape during the week. I blame the showers here so I just settle for tying it up all the time - which then exposes all the acne on my cheeks.

I wish I could practice more during the week, but as it is the music room gets booked up pretty quickly and I don't like practicing in my room because I feel like everyone walking by will be judging me and think I suck. Sometimes I regret dropping out of Symphonic Winds. I should really get my flute serviced because the footjoint keeps loosening but there's no time.

I'm depressed that my brother has gotten a summer job at Wonderland as a lifeguard and in the meantime I have almost no future. Most of my self-esteem these days either comes from fanfiction or tumblr.

I hate my writing and think it looks like a bad joke. I feel like I'm losing my talent in everything.

Paperman rocks. I am knitting a loofah scarf, and might put some pictures up here of it when I'm done. There's a trailer for a new Studio Ghibli movie on the Internet which looks exciting.

I will mostly likely regret posting this nonsense when I wake up later. Oh well.</sub>