I hate this month. I wish it was over. Quite frankly, I wish that summer was over already. Because my lack of a social life is really, REALLY starting to get to me. All my friends are out doing stuff: co-op, interns, going abroad, teaching etc. Technically I'm doing stuff too, but telling people that I take the bus downtown twice a week to get to summer school is hardly anything to brag about when everyone around you is going to EXCITING places and doing EXCITING things outside of the city. I don't want to bother people who have better things to do than talk to me. And I'm worried if I do try to make conversation with someone on Skype, one of the first things they'll ask me is: "So what have you been up to?" To which I'll sit there mortified for a minute, trying to think of an answer that doesn't sound like: "Nothing, just sitting in front of my computer all day and waiting for someone to talk to me because I'm a loser who has no life outside my house. Just like when I was fucking sixteen."
I admit, part of the reason why I feel this way right now is because everyone is graduating this month, and I'm not. In fact, my registrar has just told me that I won't be able to graduate until June 2015, even though I finish all my degree requirements this fall. So yeah, it hurts to see photos on facebook of my friends standing around in gowns with their friends and family, knowing that I won't be getting any pictures with my friends next year. I probably won't get many 'likes' on any photos I post on facebook next year either, because everyone will be working fancy jobs at that point and won't have time for social media anymore. As of a week ago I actually stopped going on facebook, just so I wouldn't have to look at people's updates about how successful their lives are turning out to be in post-grad. Even getting a notification that one of my friends was going to Cuba was enough to make me feel like shit again. I should be happy for everyone, but I just feel miserable. I feel like I'm nowhere close to where they are, and I should be.
I just hate myself for doing nothing and don't know how to escape it. I hate my life, but I can't change it because everything I want to do is too unreachable; my GPA isn't good enough for anything, and I'm pretty sure I don't have the right "cheery" personality to pass any sort of interview, whether it be for a job or an exchange trip. I keep telling my parents I want to see a doctor, just so I can take happy pills and make my family stop chiding me for being grumpy all the time, and they don't believe me, saying medication won't help whatever problem I have. That just makes me feel even more upset, like I'm alone feeling this way and I'm supposed to fix it myself, even though I can't.
I just hate this. I hate myself. I hate crying when nobody's looking, knowing nobody cares.
*End of rant*