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  • Mood: Gloomy
  • Listening to: Shot In The Dark - Within Temptation
  • Reading: Il Pleuvait des Oiseaux - Jocelyne Saucier
  • Eating: Pizza Pop
  • Drinking: Milk
I hate this month. I wish it was over. Quite frankly, I wish that summer was over already. Because my lack of a social life is really, REALLY starting to get to me. All my friends are out doing stuff: co-op, interns, going abroad, teaching etc. Technically I'm doing stuff too, but telling people that I take the bus downtown twice a week to get to summer school is hardly anything to brag about when everyone around you is going to EXCITING places and doing EXCITING things outside of the city. I don't want to bother people who have better things to do than talk to me. And I'm worried if I do try to make conversation with someone on Skype, one of the first things they'll ask me is: "So what have you been up to?" To which I'll sit there mortified for a minute, trying to think of an answer that doesn't sound like: "Nothing, just sitting in front of my computer all day and waiting for someone to talk to me because I'm a loser who has no life outside my house. Just like when I was fucking sixteen."

I admit, part of the reason why I feel this way right now is because everyone is graduating this month, and I'm not. In fact, my registrar has just told me that I won't be able to graduate until June 2015, even though I finish all my degree requirements this fall. So yeah, it hurts to see photos on facebook of my friends standing around in gowns with their friends and family, knowing that I won't be getting any pictures with my friends next year. I probably won't get many 'likes' on any photos I post on facebook next year either, because everyone will be working fancy jobs at that point and won't have time for social media anymore. As of a week ago I actually stopped going on facebook, just so I wouldn't have to look at people's updates about how successful their lives are turning out to be in post-grad. Even getting a notification that one of my friends was going to Cuba was enough to make me feel like shit again. I should be happy for everyone, but I just feel miserable. I feel like I'm nowhere close to where they are, and I should be. 

I just hate myself for doing nothing and don't know how to escape it. I hate my life, but I can't change it because everything I want to do is too unreachable; my GPA isn't good enough for anything, and I'm pretty sure I don't have the right "cheery" personality to pass any sort of interview, whether it be for a job or an exchange trip. I keep telling my parents I want to see a doctor, just so I can take happy pills and make my family stop chiding me for being grumpy all the time, and they don't believe me, saying medication won't help whatever problem I have. That just makes me feel even more upset, like I'm alone feeling this way and I'm supposed to fix it myself, even though I can't.

I just hate this. I hate myself. I hate crying when nobody's looking, knowing nobody cares.

*End of rant*
  • Mood: Grouchy
  • Listening to: Childhood Memories - Beyond Two Souls OST
  • Reading: My fanfiction draft
  • Eating: Chewing gum (not really, but close enough)
I'm not sure if many of you know this, but since I joined dA in 2008, I've always set my homepage to view 'new' deviations rather than the 'popular stuff,' because I sympathize with amateur artists, and like showing my support to people who generally don't get a lot of hits on their work. But because a lot of things about dA have changed in the past 5 years, and because the 'new' section now consists of a lot of really bad instagram pictures done by 14 year olds, or base paintings for anime couples I don't know nor care about, I've finally decided to change my homepage and check out popular stuff instead.

And holy crap! There is some amazing stuff here. Poems, and GOOD artwork and photographs. I've been complaining about having a lack of inspiration lately, and now I've discovered a place where I can find it all again. Why didn't I think about doing this earlier? I am impressed, dA. 

In other news, 1 more week of school. I have 2 tests and I am stressed out for both of them - even though one of them is just an in class essay, and the other one is for a credit/no credit class, so basically I just have to do well enough to pass, and whatever shitty mark I get won't be calculated into my GPA. I think I'm really just down on myself because I either failed or close to failed French grammar test today (even though it was only worth 10%), and I was really liking the average I had before I took the test, so I'll have to work harder next semester to bring up again. I hate thinking about marks and GPAs, it just makes me feel stressed out all the time.  
  • Mood: Depressed
  • Listening to: Angel - Sarah McLaughlin
  • Playing: Assassin's Creed Liberation
  • Drinking: Gingerale
There are some days when I wish I could just bypass through everything I need to be an adult: Getting a job, learning how to cook, a good job, a driver's license, a relationship. Because let's face it, those things take work. And after almost twenty-one years of living, I've lost all motivation to work for any of those things. Why? Because they involve getting hurt, making mistakes, going to bed at the end of the day and feeling like you're a damn idiot who's an embarrassment to society and should disappear from the world entirely because everyone hates you because you're not perfect. Just a useless, moving bag of flesh with no real talents or aspirations. At this point I'm just trying to find a way to survive, really. 

Maybe I've just fallen into an unmotivated spiral, I don't know. I've never been good at being tenacious, I know. Even when I was a kid, I would always be begging my parents to let me quit my swimming lessons because I was the only one in the class who didn't know how to swim a certain stroke. If I knew I was going to fail the class, why bother showing up to get my report card? I was the only one in my lessons who seemed to be making mistakes and it made me feel isolated from other people my age, and I still feel that way about myself to this day. In middle school I always felt I was ugly because I didn't wear makeup and dress the same way the popular kids in my school did. In high school things got worse because I had glasses and horrible acne, and my mother never let me get bangs so I couldn't even cover my forehead to hide where most of the blemishes were. Even now, I try to avoid going out in public because I feel ugly and awkward all the time. Sometimes I choose not to eat a lot of food for dinner just because I don't like cutting up so much meat, and I get a small dose of satisfaction in thinking that I'm keeping myself skinny by not eating as much as everyone else in my family. Does that mean I should be seeing a therapist because I have some kind of eating disorder? I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I could just never grow up. Just become a phantom who spends the rest of my life writing stories about other people, because let's face it, it's much easier to write about other people's lives than think about what you need to work on in your own. I just can't handle making mistakes well, especially when learning something most people my age are already good at. It's like a dream I used to have when I was younger that I could be magically good at everything without practicing. Maybe I just like my imaginary world better than my real world, I don't know.

Fun fact: The last time I was on Neopets was in 2005. 

This has been a I-just-slacked-off-my-fanfiction-updating-to-complain-about-how-my-life-sucks deviantArt entry.   
  • Mood: Lazy
  • Reading: The Blazing World - Margaret Cavendish
  • Drinking: I really want a coke
So apparently when you upload artwork to dA now you don't have to separate your tags with commas anymore, just type in the keywords. And here I was wondering why I wasn't getting any hits on my fandom related stuff, now I'll have to go and fix up all my fanfiction submissions so they actually show up on dA's search engines.

I hope everyone is enjoying their time off school. I'm in my second week of summer school right and already have a midterm test and a proposal due next week, it kinda sucks. But on the plus side, not being in 5 courses means I have more time to slack off and write now.

Someone on YouTube has decided to continue my Harry Potter parody series I made four years ago. I'm feeling a bit iffy about that - but he did acknowledge he got his inspiration from me so I let it go. In any case I'm not sure if I can continue that series since I don't exactly have money to get proper software to encode video game footage from the PS2 on to the computer without the quality suffering. That, and my gaming tastes have changed a lot since then. I'd probably have to relearn how to play the games all over again which would feel more like a chore at this point. The guy who's continuing the series also thinks I'm a guy - I'm very amused.

Sorry if this didn't make much sense, I'm rambling. Over and out!
  • Mood: Isolated
  • Listening to: Connor's Life - Assassin's Creed 3 OST
  • Drinking: Water
Writing this entry on my iPad for a change ooh.

Not many intelligent things to say about my life so far. I have trouble sleeping it seems...as of now I've been up since 2 am because of this weird itching sensation in my throat/nasal congestion and now I'm extremely hungry but don't want to leave my nice warm bed and make some cereal.

This week I am watching am watching an opera for a class and writing an essay. The week after that I have 2 midterms, including one for chemistry (I know what you're thinkng, chemistry?). Two weeks after I have another midterm and a concert review to write.

I feel mostly apathetic about life. I look at the first years in my dining hall and feel like a veteran and wish I could be 2 years younger again. Most days I eat alone because none of my friends live on campus anymore. I look at people I pass by on my way to classes and become slightly philosophical, knowing I will never see them again. My hair looks stupid and pear-shape during the week. I blame the showers here so I just settle for tying it up all the time - which then exposes all the acne on my cheeks.

I wish I could practice more during the week, but as it is the music room gets booked up pretty quickly and I don't like practicing in my room because I feel like everyone walking by will be judging me and think I suck. Sometimes I regret dropping out of Symphonic Winds. I should really get my flute serviced because the footjoint keeps loosening but there's no time.

I'm depressed that my brother has gotten a summer job at Wonderland as a lifeguard and in the meantime I have almost no future. Most of my self-esteem these days either comes from fanfiction or tumblr.

I hate my writing and think it looks like a bad joke. I feel like I'm losing my talent in everything.

Paperman rocks. I am knitting a loofah scarf, and might put some pictures up here of it when I'm done. There's a trailer for a new Studio Ghibli movie on the Internet which looks exciting.

I will mostly likely regret posting this nonsense when I wake up later. Oh well.
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: Fight Club - Assassin's Creed 3 OST
  • Reading: Inheritance - Christopher Paolini
TAGGED BY: :iconflutelover101:

RULES:
1. You must post these rules.

2. Each person must post 11 things about them.

3. You must choose 11 people to tag. Put their icon on your journal!*It's optional!

4. Go to their page and tell him/her that you tagged them :>

5. No tag backs!

6. No stuff in the tagging section about " you are tagged if your reading this " legitimately... (aka really truly with all honesty) have to tag 11 people.

(Boring) Stuff about me!
1. I have been playing flute for 8 years and piccolo for 3 years
2. I recently returned my alto saxophone rental. It was fun while it lasted.
3. I am a university student, currently off school due to health complications
4. I used to be a flute section leader of my band until I had to leave (see number 3)
5. Since dropping out of school I have become addicted to tumblr. My blog has enough stuff on it to look like I have a multiple personality disorder.
6. I have 2 brothers and a dog. I suspect my brother knows more about photography now than I do. :cries:
7. I'm half-Chinese, 1/4 British and 1/4 Polish. There may be some Scottish blood in there too, but my dad hasn't been able to find a lot of information on my family from there just yet.  
8. I am still suffering from Assassin's Creed 3 aftershock.
9. I'm a Gryffindor according to Pottermore.
10. My username is based off a nickname my friend :iconwhy-not-green: called me in high school.
11. Two things I to do after I graduate are a) find a real job and b) get my ARCT in piano.

I wish I could be more creative with facts about myself, but my brain feels kind of fried ATM.
  • Mood: Angsty
  • Listening to: Painful Memories - Heavy Rain OST
  • Drinking: Sketchy Powerade Drink
I thought I'd give people an update about my life since there's not much else for me to do nowadays. As some of you know, I've been bedridden since mid-October with my sciatica, and it's put a huge damper on my mood; especially when it means the only people you see on a regular basis are your parents, and not your friends from school. I was normal in September, fine for the summer, but then after Thanksgiving it just struck again, and something I thought was going to go away in a day or so ended up stretching to two weeks, and now I'm waiting on getting an MRI scan from the hospital, and then surgery - which is pretty much the last option for me at this point.

I think the thing that bums me out above all of this, is really the fact this I've been missing a ton of school. It was fine at first when I could show all my professors my doctor's note and be excused from class and get extensions, but when I'm missing assignments on top of my other assignments, and my professors start asking for another doctor's note and notes from my registrar, then I start panicking. Because I wasn't doing well in a lot of my classes for starters, and because I honestly feel no motivation to go back to school at this point without knowing if I'm just going to relapse again later, I have decided to drop this semester of school to focus on my health, and come back in the spring once I have gotten surgery done.

Even dropping out in itself is complicated. After talking with my registrar today it sounds like it will be financially better for me to take a whole year off since they're not sure if they can refund a lot of my tuition if I come back, but I don't want to miss school for a year, I'd go crazy! It's just one thing after another, and more than anything I wish that I could go back to that moment in time that caused my back to be this way (whatever it was) and stop it, or have even contacted accessibility services so they could make my situation better - which was the first thing the registrar advised me to do when I fully explained my situation to them. That's the problem with talking with doctors who deal with 50 year old people, they won't tell you if they recommend you contact this service from your school because of your condition, they just reiterate complications to you without really sympathizing at all with what you're going through. If someone I knew who went to university told me, yes I have a slipped disc, and yes I use accessibility services I might have felt better approaching them, but no I'm the first person, how was I supposed to know what the right thing to do was?

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. After all, none of us were hoping it would get this bad, we thought it was getting better.

I guess I just need someone to vent, because I'm in a grey zone right now and am still am unsure if I'm doing the right thing and am afraid of what will happen if I go back to school and have to face my professors, who probably think of me as a wanted criminal at this point. I'm going to miss my dorm room, and my classes and I'm going to hate being stuck at home all the time, I just don't think I should be there anymore unless I can be healthy, or have something to help me when I do suffer from a bad episode of this condition. I feel down about the things I've already given up (like band) and don't like that I suddenly am forced to give up even more, like I'm losing grip of myself.

Also, my Assassin's Creed 3 game shipped as of yesterday, so I'll be expecting to see it in the mail anytime next week now :D
  • Mood: Neutral
  • Listening to: Welcome to Konstantinyye - Assassin's Creed OST
  • Reading: Coyote Columbus Story - Thomas King
Hurray for massive deviant dumps, yay!

I have some things to be happy about this month: 1) My English essay (aka the worst part of any English course for me) is done 2) As of today I only have 3 classes left of summer school and then I'm free for the rest of the month (apart from teaching piano for a couple of evenings, which I'm optimistic about because I'm making money at least. But it also means I can't go to California with my mom and my brother, pooh) 3) Friends are coming back from their abroad trips now, so I won't feel as stranded anymore. Hurray!

So, what other things can I say about how my summer has been? [warning, excessive rambling to follow]
1. I'm getting better at playing sax, especially after I got some new reeds last week, they make a big difference. My parents think that when the new youth ensemble season starts up I should audition for saxophone AND flute, but I'm not sure since the audition material for the alto sax is actually pretty intimidating, plus I'm afraid of losing my flute (and piccolo) chops come September if I work on both. I'm already starting to wear out the cuticle on my thumb from pressing into the thumb rest all the time, and I'm getting the b flat fingering mixed up with the b flat on the flute because they're slightly different on both instruments. I'm pretty sure that when I go back to lessons with my flute professor she'll be like "what's wrong with you?" and I'll be like...sorry, I've just been playing the saxophone all summer, lol.

2. I'm in a bit of a pickle about whether to commute or stay on residence against next year. The room they offered me is only slightly bigger than the one I got last year, which kinda embarrasses me more than anything, since you know, thoughtless people will always come by and say OMFG WHY IS YOUR ROOM so small, to which you will reply with a simple, I DON'T KNOW...GTFO NOOB. But seriously, I'm debating that I should really be investing so much money in a tiny room if I can just commute from home and be in a place where I have lots of room to work. But then again I'm not sure I could put up with my brother's guitar playing if I stay at home, plus I won't be as exhausted at the end of the day if I stay on campus again. WHY CAN'T GOD JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO? I HATE MAKING BIG DECISIONS, ARGHHHH!

3. I had a dream that I was assigned a dorm room in a run down greenhouse in my residence last night. But somehow a guy came and refurnished it so it looked awesome. It had a double bed and an office in it, that's how cool it was.  

4. I'm tired of being on the computer and miss being with my instruments. This is why I haven't been working on fan fiction lately. YOLO.

5. I got $50 randomly loaded on to my smartcard when I was taking the train the other day which I know I didn't pay for. And then when I was coming back, it only cost me a little more than $2, which makes no sense because usually the price is 3x the amount. I'm very confused with how this new city transport system is working out, but when I try to talk to people about it they just look at me like I shouldn't worry so much. Maybe I shouldn't, I dunno.

6. I spent $25 on 4 hardcover books at the bookstore. That's a very good deal for books. especially for a bookworm.

7. I'm thinking of having a get-together sometime this month, because my mom keeps on suggesting I should have one. To my real life friends, expect an email or facebook post shortly?

8. I haven't seen the new Batman movie and have no idea what's happening in the Olympics right now. Shame on me.
  • Mood: Distracted
Found this quiz on tumblr and thought I'd give it a shot:

Tony Stark/ Iron Man
[ ] You like booze
[ ] You are the life of the party
[ ] You love gadgets
[ ] You can be rather cocky
[ ] Your favorite color is red or gold
[ ] You're good with computers
[x] You use sarcasm a lot
[x] You love getting attention
[ ] You're good at mechanics
[ ] You have issues with your parents
(2/10)

Dr. Bruce Banner/ The Hulk
[ ] You're good at science
[ ] You can get very aggressive when ticked off
[x] You like to be secluded most of the time
[x] You like wearing baggy clothes
[ ] You like to meditate
[ ] You like doing science experiments
[x] You try to avoid getting into fights
[x] You like wearing purple things
[x] You're clever
[ ] Your favorite color is green
(5/10)

Thor
[ ] You're good with a hammer
[ ] You like coffee
[ ] You can eat a truckload of food and still be hungry
[ ] You can be arrogant
[x] You have long hair
[x] You have an interest in astrology
[x] You can get sulky when things don't go your way
[ ] You're willing to take a fall for someone else
[ ] You like to dress up as fantasy characters
[x] You don't get on well with your sibling(s)
(4/10)

Steve Rogers/Captain America
[ ] You like helping those in need in any way you can
[x] You hate bullies
[ ] You're a great leader
[x] You're a bit of a do-gooder
[x] One of your favorite color is red, white or blue
[ ] You like wearing things with stars on them
[ ] You strongly admire the army
[ ] You have a good throwing arm
[ ] You like war films
[ ] You're good at running
(3/10)

Colonel Nick Fury
[ ] You like wearing long coats
[x] You're good at organizing things
[x] You're good at being in the loop
[ ] You like guns
[x] You're good at giving information to people
[x] You like giving solutions to peoples problems
[ ] You like eyepatches
[x] You work best as part of a team
[ ] You like beards
[ ] You like wearing black things
(5/10)


Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
[ ] You like wearing tight clothes
[ ] You can do martial arts
[ ] You're interested in the world of spies
[ ] You have red hair
[ ] You're quite agile
[x] People generally don't know much about the real you
[x] You like to make yourself look good
[x] You can speak another language
[x] You're good at taking orders
[ ] You were born in a different country to the one you are living in now
(4/10)

Clint Barton/ Hawkeye
[ ] You're very good at archery.
[ ] You currently like/love someone on your team
[x] You like to wear purple and black
[ ] You're very good at aiming,
[ ] You've worked at the carnival
[x] You like working in a team
[x] You're up for almost anything thrown at you
[ ] You'd be a top assassin if you ever took the job
[x] You're quiet
[x] You tend to get along with people well
(5/10)

Loki
[ ] You want to be a great leader
[x] You want to prove something
[ ] You're the younger sibling
[ ] You've been/are overshadowed by a sibling
[x] You don't get along so great with your sibling
[ ] You're good at lying
[ ] You're adopted
[x] You're very clever
[ ] You are able to manipulate people well
[ ] Your favorite color is green or gold
(3/10)

So I'm a three-way tie between Hulk, Colonel Nick and Hawk-Eye, none of which are my favorites. Oh well. :shrug:
I tag you all!
  • Mood: Annoyed
  • Listening to: My dad snoring on the couch beside me
  • Reading: The Wasteland - T.S. Eliot
  • Watching: Worst Case Scenario (Spike TV Show)
  • Eating: Corn
It's been a while since I've updated. Well two months to be exact. As most of you are aware I am off school, so I am spending my weeks partially looking for work, partially learning to drive, partially walking my dog and partially taking summer school downtown.

I think it's safe to say that I almost hate driving as much as I hate math now. There's too many damn rules, too many mistakes I keep making and I feel like I can't really vent about it much because most people my age know how to drive already, which makes me feel more upset rather than encouraged. Not to mention when I'm failing at one thing, I immediately think of all the other things I fail at, ultimately causing me to spiral into a mid-adolescent crisis where I start believing I'll never get married, never have children and never get a job so why am I still here. I hate that feeling. It sucks. Eventually I just need to accept that everybody has gone through the same things I have, but that's the issue 'gone' is a past participle, not a present. And when other people your age have already done the same things you have, I think there's a greater pressure to be as good as them, so you end up being more hard on yourself. No one can understand that, except for me. Which makes me feel more like a misfit.

I am so dramatic.   

When I'm alone, like at home or on the bus, I spend a lot of my time trying to decode myself. I think about life, I think about the things I'm learning about in class versus the things I was brought up to believe, and what is and what isn't true in each. I get disgusted by the degree of propaganda stuff I see people posting on facebook now so I don't like to go on it anymore. I often think about what makes an artist, whether it's about being perceptive, or overdramatic or perhaps a bit of both? I get frustrated with my writing and don't like reading my old fanfics anymore. I feel like I want to write an original story, but I don't know what.   

I think I've already deduced that I want to live in the city when I have money. Just so I won't have to worry so much about managing a car. I ride public transit more than any of my friends do now, so none of that should be an issue. You can learn more about a city from taking transit than driving a car so I almost consider it to be better option for me.

Brave is coming out this month. I'm excited. Almost as excited as I was when Tangled was out two years ago.  

I changed my tumblr layout. I am so in love with it, I keep on opening the page just to look at it. I am a weird person. www.bravelostmouse.tumblr.com

This month I'm working on two fanfics. And possibly taking alto saxophone lessons?

My writing well just dried up. AS YOU were! :D
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: Madurodam - Johan de Mejj
  • Reading: The End of the Story - Lydia Davis
  • Eating: Chewy Bar
  • Drinking: Water
Good morning Baltimore! :sing:

Well this past month has been hard. Four essays, two concerts....I guess it's natural that my back would start having problems again after all this exertion. This past week alone I've been taking lots of pain pills, even written my essays in bed because I can't sit comfortably enough to use my laptop anymore (or eat at the dining hall or go to class for that matter). I'm just worried because now my physiotherapist thinks something else is wrong with me that has caused me to relapse. And if he's doing what I think he's doing right now, I might be paying another visit to the neurosurgeon soon to talk about getting a epidural injection. The only thing I know about this procedure is that the online videos show a lot of happy old people going through it. Old people...that REALLY makes me feel better about my current circumstances. Usually I get disgusted when I see ten year-olds wearing the exact same hoodies I have, but now old people? Can I never be my own age?

That was supposed to make you laugh, JSYK. Go ahead :giggle:

Okay...now let's talk about things that aren't related to my health shall we? Yesterday I played my term concert with my band. I was a bit sad after because as much as I didn't like some things about the director, I thought we really came together near the end. Definitely had some moments where I was really lost in the music and felt like I was in high school again. This then made me feel a little bit stupid because I realize I'm just reliving a kind of illusion that will never get you anywhere in real life. I'm such a double thinker.

On a similar note I had a weird breakdown last week thinking about what makes an artist. I started thinking about musicians I know, and the pictures I take, and somehow, seemed to have just reached a point that I went so in deep into myself I couldn't handle it and started to cry. I don't know, has this happened to anyone before? Am I an emotional sap or something?

I've pre-ordered Assassin's Creed 3 as an early-ish birthday present to myself. The shipping is free via Amazon :D

This month I also had the pleasure of getting locked out of my room AND getting a hardware failure on my laptop just an hour before my opera paper was due. That and I still had to make my bibliography, so I had a grand total of 50 minutes to put everything together by the time everything fixed itself. You'd think I'd learn after this not to leave my essays to the last minute, but I didn't. But then my health did have a bit of a factor in that. Essay writing isn't exactly on your mind when you're in pain, or waiting for the pain to stop.

But oh well. OH WELL. Only one month left. Two tests this week, then three exams, then two concerts and then I'm free to go home...start summer school, look for a job (preferably one that doesn't require heavy lifting), maybe hang out with les friends? :shrug:
  • Mood: Pleased
  • Listening to: Soave sia il vento - Mozart
  • Reading: Mrs. Dalloway - Virginia Woolf
  • Eating: Mini Oreos
  • Drinking: Water
Hey y'all. So I decided instead of rewriting the journal entry I accidentally pressed the backspace button on a few nights ago, to just go to the part where I share links, and explain what each of mean. So here it goes:

1. This is my new tumblr account: goo.gl/i7SyQ which I made over reading week because I was stupid. So far I just use it to re-feed pictures from other people's blogs, but it is kinda entertaining in a way. Not as great as facebook of course, but I was curious. Feel free to go through if you want to see what my head looks like. Or the part of it that's connected to the internet anyway :P

2. This is a link to a song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado which my college will be putting on a few weeks from now. I am playing in the stage orchestra for on flute and piccolo, my first time playing in a musical, yay! :D My friend will be playing the part of Pooh-bah (the guy who's singing in this song): www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBLhQr… . To all my friends, you'll probably remember this musical better from this song which was in The Producers: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pS6e5…

3. On another note, I am also watching an opera this week by Mozart called 'Cosi fan Tutte' as part of an essay I'm working on for one of my classes (and keep in mind 4/5 of my classes this month have essays due in them. I SHOULD BE WRITING RIGHT NOW, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?). We got to hear a few excerpts from it live last week in my opera class and one of them is just so beautiful harmony-wise I've just been listening to it for two days now, trying to find the best version of it on the internet. Here's the best one I've found so far: www.youtube.com/watch?v=21Zsyc…

4. OMG, they've revealed the new assassin for Assassin's Creed III! His name is Connor, he's from the American revolution era, and he's half white half-native American. I'm excited and happy...mainly because I know for sure now that it's not in Ancient Egypt and the main character isn't a female, like some of the rumours seemed to suggest. I think a female would just ruin the whole rule about Desmond's ancestor resembling him...it could work as a spin-off concept but not in the main game franchise. I could do on. Anyway, here's a picture of what Connor looks like:
Assassins Creed III - Connor Render by Crussong
I barely know him and yet I already think I'm starting to fangirl over him :love:

4. And other news:
a) I'm not using my leg splint anymore under the insistence of my chiropractor. However it will still be a while before I can walk like a normal person again :'(
b) I've decided to take my summer classes this year at the campus closer to my home, just to cut back on commuter fees and be able to come home sooner in the day.Ça marche?
c) I really need to drink less coke.

Good night!
  • Mood: I Have To Pee
  • Listening to: Se in Fiorito Ameno Prato - Handel
  • Reading: Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man - James Joyce
  • Playing: Does facebook count as a game?
  • Eating: Carrot Cake
  • Drinking: 2% Milk
The last time I wrote a journal for my dA was back in the summer. It's easy to say a lot of things have changed since then, and not all of them for the better. But let's try to be optimistic. School is going well. For the first time in a while I feel happy...but then I think of other people I know who aren't happy right now and then I just feel sad again. I think about a lot of stuff and never really write it down even though I want to. I think I'm just too busy with school to write seriously anymore. I guess that's normal, but then I worry if I don't write anything personal now, I won't have anything to remember by the time I graduate. And I don't want to be a simpleton. Does that make sense to anyone?

Okay, I'm giving up trying to explain my life/mindset now. Let's do a random things speed run:

1. My dad thinks the reason why I like riding the bus/subway so much is because it's been 'programmed' into me since I was a baby. My mom used to ride the bus everyday when she was pregnant with me, and my parents also used to take me with them on the subway when I was a baby. It seems like a cool explanation, so I'm sticking with it. It will save people making fun of me anyway for not knowing how to drive a car at age 20. And hey, J.K. Rowling got most of her inspiration for Harry Potter from riding a train, who says a similar experience won't happen to me?

2. Our band conductor was in a bad mood yesterday. He made all the sections tune, one at a time, which in total took about 45 minutes. I was the only second flute player who was dead on with the principal flutist the first time. Of course it may have helped that I played with my tuner first. #themusicgeekswillgetit. On Sunday we had a guest conductor come in to lead the other band I'm playing in, and he actually complimented me on my piccolo playing for one song, which was nice. Specifically, he told me to play like a 'fat canary' for the solos (which goes up to the high 'A'). Fat canary - I think I'm going to like him. When he asked if I liked playing piccolo, I told him 'it's love-hate relationship.' Which is true. :)

3. Despite watching Beauty and the Beast two times on the big screen in the past few weeks, I seem to have reached some kind of writer's block with my fanfiction. The most recent chapter I've been working on I've just been revising over and over, and now I've just decided to go back to an earlier draft and work from there because it's just not clicking. *Ugh* Hopefully things will work out soon.

4. I really need to cut my nails. It feels so disgusting to type. It would help if I'd brought some clippers with me when I moved in.

5. I have two performances this month. One of them is a competition. One of them is a broadway concert. Despite the busy-ness, I'm still thinking of trying out for the pit orchestra for my college's upcoming operetta concert. I'm so hungry for musical experience I almost question what faculty I really should be in right now.

6. I watched the Finale of Don Giovanni in my opera class today and thought it was amazing. Amazing as in, funny amazing. I wish I could post the specific clip the professor showed us but I can't seem to find it. I'm really getting into opera from this class even though the lectures themselves get boring...especially when the professor goes off on tangents and then realizes there's not enough time to show us all the arias. Ugh.

7. Most of the pictures I posted this month were taken with my new-ish camera. It doesn't like me.

8. More than 90% of my time last month was spent on campus. I didn't stay at home for a single weekend. No wonder this journal entry is so crazy.

10. Last week I took the streetcar alone for the first time, meaning I've now 'mastered' all three methods of public transportation in the city. Also, I'm sorry if these random trivial things about my life are boring to you.

Resuming work now. Good night! :D
  • Mood: Distracted
  • Listening to: Go the Distance - Hercules Soundtrack
  • Reading: Watchmen - Alan Moore, Dave Gibbons
  • Watching: Hercules
  • Eating: Peanut Butter Sandwich
  • Drinking: 1% Milk
Here's :iconpurple-the-cactus: with a monthly journal update. I should keep this short. I got a 1,800 word essay to start writing and a piano exam to practise for...

1. [Rant] School starts in almost a month. Nooooo! I don't want to go back. I like staying at home where it's (relatively quiet). I don't want to be stuck in my dorm room all day, exchanging dull pleasantries with my floormates and only coming out to eat or go to class or go home. And then gaining weight because the food's so disgusting. One thing about growing up on Asian food...you can tell it's not real rice they serve. It's INSTANT rice. Although considering I have a tiny room this year, I may just be finding excuses to get out more and therefore burn it off. At least I don't have night classes anymore, that was REALLY annoying.  Oh yeah, and I found out that 7 of the 11 books I need for my novel class next term can be downloaded for free on my iPad. Talk about saving money, amirite? :D [/Rant]

2. This guy, :iconbeastplz: is killing me. GTFO.

3. Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part II was awesome. I almost cried. I need to rewatch/reread the series now so I feel like it's not dead. I didn't join Pottermore, was too lazy. Whatever :P

4. If anyone is looking for something fun to do on the internet, youTube search this video called 'The Inside Experience.' It's a series of short films sponsored by Toshiba, about a woman who's been locked in a basement with only a laptop, and you can basically interact with her, as well as her friends and family (via facebook, twitter, youtube) to help get clues as to where she's been held captive. Sometimes the kidnapper drops a few creepy hints into the game too. It's all roleplaying, but it's a lot of fun.

And if you can do me a favour right now, like this video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKdIfN…
She needs food and water and apparently she'll get it if enough people like her vid. So go like it already! You don't even have to watch the whole thing :D

5. Oh yeah, and my little brother now has a dA account :icontgram29: He does drawings on Gimp. Fun stuff. Check it out if you wish.

And that's the end of my drunken journal entry. :faint:
  • Mood: Distracted
  • Listening to: Exploration - Coraline Soundtrack
  • Reading: The Tower Treasure - Franklin W. Dixon
  • Watching: Return of the King
  • Playing: Sims 3
  • Eating: Lady Fingers
  • Drinking: Ginger Ale
Well I thought it was time for a monthly journal update, since I usually try to follow one up whenever I submit my monthly deviations to dA so here it goes [Warning, excessive ramble-age to follow]:

1. This past month has been weird to say the least. I feel like I've been learning a lot of things about people I didn't know before or didn't really pay attention to earlier. I know that a lot of things are changing between my friends, and it's a bit sad to know that things aren't as simple as they used to be and that tension is surfacing between people that wasn't there before. I mean, I never expected we'd all be BFFs after high school, but still, the whole idea of knowing that things aren't what they used to be is still a bit of a wake-up call for me. I guess it makes me feel wiser in a way, but then it also makes me feel like a bit of sponge because I'm listening more to people's problems now than talking about my own. There's nothing really wrong with that, but it's a bit weird to suddenly realize that this is the kind of person I am; a listener instead of a talker. Maybe I still need to find the right person to be open with, I don't know. Or maybe people just feel like they can be open with me, again I don't know.

It was good at least to hang out with a different group of friends at my university last Thursday. Even though they weren't as close to me, I guess it was just nice to catch up with some old classmates and know that I still have those different branches of friends to hang out with whenever I feel too absorbed in the problems of my main clique. I'm not sure if I'm explaining that right, but whatever.

2. In more exciting news I drove for the second time last week and officially hate the steering wheel because I cannot yet master that hand-over-hand shit...my hands just go all over the place until I can drive in a straight line again. I guess I'm being hard on myself for my second lesson, but still it makes me feel frustrated. It's the kind of frustration that makes my stomach get all tense. I'll get better in time I guess :/

3. I got my wisdom teeth out and managed not to suffer any of the terrible side effects of it, including the fatigue, swelling (I was just a bit puffy) or pain. I eventually got tired of waiting for mom to buy more yogurt from the grocery store so I started eating biscuits about a week later which probably wasn't the best idea. My stitches came out a week after the surgery and now I just have to syringe my mouth until the holes disappear. I can't eat popcorn until then which sucks.

4. I bought a Harlequin Romance novel for $5 at Wal-Mart today for my English class. Let me just say that it was hard for me to find one that didn't sound awful...in the end I just picked the one that sounded the least painful to read. It's called 'Expecting Royal Twins!' and it's about a prince marrying a mechanic girl and them having twins together. I shit you not, the other Harlequin books were not much better than that. There was even one about a Daycare teacher and a CEO falling in love. Honestly, who reads this shit? I don't even...

5. I have almost 150 reviews on my fanfiction story now. I don't know what I was expecting when I first put it up there, but I don't think I expected it to be THAT popular (I'm pretty sure over 100 people have subscribed to it now too, not including all the anonymous lurkers who leave poorly written reviews on each chapter and creep me out when they ask for my facebook. HOLY SHIT.)

6. I got the How To Train Your Dragon Soundtrack on CD after waiting so many months for it to show it's face in HMV. I love all the music on it, it makes me feel so inspired. :) I think I should put more soundtracks on my iPod, I find it easier to study to that kind of genre for some reason.

7. We're cleaning out my basement, so if all goes well we should be able to have some future moviefests at my house for a change. It's not a finished basement mind you, but there should be enough room for everyone once we've sent all the junk to the storage facility. I think that some people, particularly :iconwhy-not-green: and :iconsilverhawley: would appreciate that.

If you actually read this whole journal you are amazing. :hug: C'est fini!
  • Mood: Remorse
  • Listening to: Sanctuary! - Hunchback of Notre Dame Soundtrack
  • Reading: Story of an Hour - Kate Chopin
  • Watching: Star Wars
So as you can tell from my recent dA posts, I am becoming something of a subway rat. *cough cough* It seems if I'm not here, I'm underground somewhere. It's cool though. I have a fascination for subway trains if you couldn't tell.

I was going to talk about what I'm doing this summer as a journal, but then got too lazy. It seems I've exhausted my writing abilities because I'm always so busy writing new chapters for my fanfic. So if this journal is hard to read, you know why. :P

On that note, let's review stuff that happened today:

1. Attempted to compose a song. It starts in G minor. It has a very boring range. I forgot the lyrics.  

2. Met :iconpan-feylin: on the bus today. Talked and caught up on a few things. It was almost like old times. Remembered that the end is near because I'm getting my wisdom teeth out in a few weeks. Concluded that I'm going to be the last of my friends to lose my virginity because I'm currently the last to get my wisdom teeth out.

3. 'Accidentally' walked into my classroom when it was being used for LSAT prep. Went back outside, ate my lunch, did my readings for 30 minutes then came back. The classroom was still being used, and all my classmates were either waiting outside or walking into the classroom only to get kicked out by the professor there. Eventually the clasroom emptied and we all got our seats. Felt slightly irritated and confused over the matter.

4. Read a few feminist stories in class and decided that women are all crazy when they try to escape their husbands (in the nineteenth century anyway). Also talked with my professor for the first time. He complimented me on my iPad. He probably thinks I'm an idiot :D

5. Ran for the Westbound subway train when the *closing door* lights were flashing and got in just a second before the doors closed. I felt cool, but I also hoped I didn't look like a maniacle idiot to the other people on the train watching me run. I have a tendency to make dumb expressions unconsciously if you didn't know.

6. Got home forty-five minutes early due to early class dismissal. *Attempted* to walk the dog, but she refused to go anywhere. Called dad and at work and ranted about life for a few minutes. Turned on my laptop and uploaded photos to DA.

7. Typed this journal. Felt hungry.

Any questions?
  • Mood: Anxious
  • Listening to: Friday - Rebecca Black
  • Reading: Tropic of Cancer - Henry Miller
  • Watching: Up
  • Eating: Skyflakes
Time for a journal update. Anyone notice this guy yet? :icontrollface: Apparently he's DAs April Fools Joke for this year. Remember last year when they changed everyone's icons to Team Jacob and Team Edward for April Fool's? And the year before when I wrote my entire entry in French. Good times!

My camera seems to keep chewing up batteries. Either that or suddenly shutting down after taking pictures. Considering how long I've had it (five years) I think it's a sign I may need to get a new one. The trouble of course is that new cameras cost money. Especially if I want to get a nice camera like the ones :iconpan-feylin: and :iconlivianalala: have. I don't mind editing pictures to look professional-ish with the current camera I have, I just find the idea of getting a camera with a Super Special Awesome Lens appealing. Especially with this picture:  fav.me/d3cyvyg Wouldn't that have looked better with a wide angle lens? Wouldn't it?

I am a weird person, and I blame genetics. I deliberately left my USB key home for the week so I wouldn't be tempted to write myfanfictionstoryaboutwhathappenstoBelleandthePrinceafterthemovie, but then I turned around and spent a whole night drawing a self portrait instead. Oh well. Oh well!! I've speny time practising flute and piccolo too, and I don't consider those a waste of time. But then I'm in a band so I sorta have to work on those. Speaking of band I can tell I've improved on my piccolo playing from Christmas because back then it was hard for me to hit a high F, and now I can not only hit that, but also a high B-flat (yes, the horrible range which should not exist and I am grateful I have earplugs now so I don't kill my eardrums when I practise). I actually found sheet music for the picc solo in Stars and Stripes Forever so I've started working on that. The trills and key signature suck, but I'll nail it. Eventually :P

Classes are coming to an end, and for the first time I feel content. Not 'cause it's ending, although that may be a factor, but because after eight months, I've finally began to reach a level where I've come to see my courses as notawasteoftime. This year has been all about developing a maturity for the stuff I'm learning, and I think I'm finally getting to that stage. Not that I really want to study Marxism or Philosophy in upper years though. *shudders*

I lost my trail of thought. Any questions?
  • Mood: Winter Downs
  • Listening to: Guitar Playing Next Door
  • Reading: Open - Lisa Moore
  • Eating: Going to be soon
Can't believe I've spent all afternoon submitting deviations to my account. Some time manager I am :P

Anyway, just wanted to apologize for the 'questionnable' Disney/Beauty and the Beast artwork you probably noticed in your messages page. In general I try to stick to photography when I go on to DA, but every once and a while I get an urge to submit fan-related stuff I've worked on (which I'm allowed to do because it's DeviantArt!). Still, I admit, I'm a child, and I apologize for that.

University is going okay. I didn't do as badly on my first text report as I thought I did, even though I told my prof I'd do better on the next one. I put off the report to the last minute, so the fact that I still got an OK mark on it means I have a potential to be successful in his class (even though it's Postwar history and the book we have to read is about as thick as a phone book).

My hair is getting longer. By April it should be down to my shoulders. My goal is to not get it cut again until I graduate in three/four years. Now let's see how well that works out...

I'm auditioning for the music faculty this month, and I'm quite afraid that I won't get in. I know I have potential, but still, I feel like the other people who will be auditioning will better than me or more deserving of a place in the faculty than I am. I just want to get in so I can start first year over with classes I will actually like, and with people I can relate with. Being with non-musical kids depresses me (I won't tell them that at the interview though).

Got to look for work this summer. I'd like to teach piano or work as a piano accompanist for some of my private teacher's students, but a part-time job would also be good.

Sorry if this didn't make a lot of sense. I'm tired, et je dois manger le diner avant ma classe de francais...
  • Mood: Guilty
  • Listening to: Acre Underworld - Assassin's Creed Soundtrack
  • Reading: The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
  • Watching: The Princess and the Frog
  • Playing: Assassin's Creed Brotherhood
  • Eating: Butter Cookies and leftover Candy Canes

Update: To anyone who is looking to procrastinate has a few hours to kill on the internet, I recommend this web comic I just finished reading called "What Birds Know" fribergthorelli.com/wbk/index.….

I'm not quite sure what genre it belongs to (most likely fantasy, granted I don't read web comics much) but it's got a really creepy and interesting storyline, and all the characters have really good backstories too, even the supporting ones. It's well-drawn too, which I like. So please, check it out if you're interested. And now to the main entry:


I am staying up way past my bedtime to update my journal. And by update I mean ramble on about a lot of nonchalant things that either won't make sense or you won't even remember after reading this.

1. I think that all my old journal entries on this thing were stupid, and I'm not sure I have an excuse for them apart from high school, which gave me too much angst, or at least made me feel that I needed to have angst to be a good writer. I don't know what I was thinking, I sounded like a whiny b*tch most of the time. So I'm sorry for that.

2. This has been my most unproductive holiday byfar. I got all the assassin's creed games for Christmas and been whoring the PS3 playing them all; including Brotherhood which has taken me more than 12 hours to finish, but now (thankfully) I've only got one sequence left to do. I've been playing the game so long now I've been forgetting to eat meals, and I'm afraid I'm going to get carpal tunnel from holding the controller so much, or else start suffering the bleeding effect like Desmond (anyone else who plays AC will know what I'm talking about). I'm not playing it now, so be happy.

3. Apart from AC, I've also been working on my fan fiction this holiday. I'm still working on one story I started writing in the summer, but it's hard to stay commited to it now when I have other story ideas on the go as well, including one short prose story about a girl who runs away from home using the 8S bus to get to the train station. The story is basically about what she sees while she's taking the bus there (which relates to me, and how I see things when I'm taking the bus...um?). I wish university term just didn't start again, and I could just stay home and write fanfics and mundane stories for the rest of my life. But that wouldn't really get me far, would it?

4. I feel like people aren't keeping in touch with me as well as I'd like them to. This sounds selfish, but it does hurt in someways. It makes me realize how things are changing, and then it makes me question why I'm more sensitive to the change than everyone else is.

5. Happy New Year! I must stop typing now before I really get carpal tunnel syndrome :P
  • Mood: Distracted
  • Listening to: Love Never Dies - Andrew Lloyd Weber
  • Reading: The Human Condition - Hannah Arendt
  • Eating: Crackers
Time for a journal update! I'm tired of seeing my corny graduation message everytime I reply to someone's comment on my page.

DA is a ghost town. Nobody's been uploading any new pictures. It almost makes me wonder why I'm still on this thing. But then I remember: it's to browse the artwork of other people I could only wish I could be as good as :P

University is at times, a pain in the ass. It's so easy to get distracted, or procrastinate, or in my case spend several hours on the internet experimenting with the tint tools on picnik (You don't even want to know how much of it I used on my new deviantID. Let's just say I am very critical when it comes to editing pictures of myself). There are so many books to read, so much time to manage, and I haven't even found a 'focal point' (for lack of a better word), which makes adjusting to campus life all the more difficult. But all that aside, I am having a pretty good time. I love the campus and the people, and I love the way the university is integrated with the city. It makes it all the more exciting to explore.

I've joined the photography club at my college, which means I'll be able to start using a darkroom again soon. I just hope I haven't forgotten too much from two years ago (but that's what the practise sessions are for!).

I miss everyone, and am hoping to see some of you at commencement, and others at school, the next time I have a free day.

Loves,
:iconpurple-the-cactus: